I am a weird little bastard and I know there is no surprise there among my friends but I do have points sometimes and not from the two horns protruding from my temples. There are some random inanities that make me plain bananas though and it goes a little something like this.
I am a man and being that I am the rougher, stinkier and undoubtedly rarely wrong sex when it comes to directions and building stuff guarandamnteed to have extra parts left over. I love a good bathroom visit. The bathroom is not called the restroom without good reason. It where we come up with our best thoughts, catch up on our reading, and escape reality. Nobody bothers you there with a gas mask and a warrant. Since the restroom is a sanctuary I expect certain things out of it. I avoid public restrooms for the most part for obvious reasons. The restroom will tell you allot about a business. If you go the restroom at your local eatery and the bathroom looks like it belongs in a third world nation I would not order the tartar surprise entree because so goes the toilet so goes the kitchen in most cases. I can't stand graffiti either. Who has the time to draw wienies and other body parts on the crappers partition anyway? I love it when people leave phone numbers for blow jobs. Has anyone really called one of those numbers? It would be funny if the number was to a church, Bill Clinton's house or maybe a sex addiction clinic. I really crack up when I find messages from Christ on the toilet walls. What would Jesus think of that form of getting the good word out? The ten commandments are pretty solid and quite frankly the only way someone could have had the time to come up with such great material is if they were sitting on the can. It took deep thought and concentration to come up with ten good rules to live by. I think they were on tablets. Maybe the tablets were the bathroom partition walls of their time and therefor the beginning of graffiti. Do you hear that train? It is the hell express coming to pick be up at stop number 666. I digress, I started this diatribe to get to my biggest bathroom bitch of all. I hate when I use a public restroom and the toilet has an auto flush, the paper towel machine is automated, but the faucet is still a manual one. I end out standing at the sink waiting the water to turn on magically for hours because I was teased by the toilet and paper towel machine. Don't judge me this does not make me lazy just bored.
Walmart is synonymous with bad idea or sadomasochistic behavior. I went there today with my daughter. The weather has been on the 24 hour rain channel for about a week so when I showed up with my two year old every single cart was soaked. Most of these stores have two cantankorous greeters at the door. Would it kill them to give these people towels to wipe off the carts? The company makes billions off of the backs of people they pay minimally so you would think a towel would be a cheap expense for them. The company goes out of its way to tell the customer we will get you low prices but they could give a fat babies dick about whether or not you enjoy the shopping experience. Best Buy is the same. They let you in the front door with a smile but want to give you a body cavity search when you leave as a way to say thanks for making us loads of money. So I grab my soaked cart and begin to take my life in my own hands going down the aisles. When I look behind the walls of customers I find empty shelf space. No one is filling these shelves....why? We make so much money we don't want to make more? Steal all you want at Wallyworld because there are virtually no customers on the sales floor and fewer working the cash register. I think I concieved a love child in line to purchase my groceries and my daughter aged a year. I actually was able to watch my little monkey grow while I waited in line bored to death creating a love child with the 87 year old single grandmother in line behind me. Where is the bouncing smiley face from the commercials when you need him?
I feel destressed now. Have a good day a remember the only good potato is a mashed potato.
Andy
ReplyDeleteYou left out an important part of the restroom experience like the automatic faucet that is supposed to turn on when you put your hands under it. That never seems to work for me. I wave my hands frantically and if I'm lucky it might turn on for two seconds. After several unsuccessful attempts and looking like an idiot I move to the next sink only to see the next guy with penis dribble come up and it works just fine for him while I'm still trying forget the greasy soap off my hands. Finally after several attempts I get enough water to rinse only to have the same struggle with the automatic hand dryer. It seems the best method to dry your hands still is to wipe them on your pants.