I have no problems putting my beans out there for the world to taste and criticize. I figure that everyone has made mistakes, errors, guffaws, lapses of reason, lapses of judgement, lapses of good sense, or generally just fragged up. It is not always the mistakes we make in life as much as what the mistakes make of us and what we allow them to deduce from our lives. I am not proud of my epic life fails but I will not deny them either because to run from your past is to not truly enjoy the present and the present is all we have.
In my 41 years I have skinned my knee many times. Many of my friends know that I grew up in a very violent childhood. My mother was often abused by my Dad and I decided to break that chain of violence by always being a non-violent man. I grew up in fear but I became strong over the years. I decided I would be a police officer and do what I could to make sure others did not live in the fear I did. I did not have a mission to correct the nature of my upbringing but I kept that fear in the back of my mind when I dealt with victims because I could empathize with them. I did a lot of good in my time as a police officer. I was not the best officer but I truly cared. I loved the camaraderie that came with the job and the family that it provided. I married for the first time while I was a young officer. I married a girl without knowing myself much less her. She was violent and had other issues we never fully had a grip on. I felt I could make her life better without considering the consequences it would have on my own life. The process of the end of our marriage was explosive, bloody, painful, and unrelenting. My friends told me where things were heading but I did not want to believe them. Somewhere between my past, my desire to make things better for her, and wanting make a difference in my community with my job I failed miserably. I was not the best husband but I did not cheat or respond in kind with violence of my own. I allowed myself to make terrible decisions in the name of love. I eventually left the job and shortly thereafter finally left the marriage. I hope her life is better and it is was the beginning of my life. I was 29. I was jobless, several states from home, and most of my friends I had separated myself from dealing with the life I had created. I started over, found a new job and career, made new friends, and met the love of my life who gave me the singularly most amazing gift ever, my daughter Emma.
I could have given up many times. I could have blamed my past for my failures as some people do but I cannot live with that kind of lie. We truly create our luck and our past may have impact on who we are but it is not an all you can eat buffet to screw up for the rest of your life. My past good or bad makes me better today. I know what violence and fear does to someone and what it can make them do. I understand blind love that destroys self. Love makes you stronger not by keeping you blind but by shining a light on you so bright that you see life as it is no matter the consequence and you make solid choices that are best for not only the ones you love but for you as well. Had I not followed the path I did I would not have as much respect for others, especially women. I do not think my having a daughter was matter of luck but more faith. I know how life can be and how hard it can be. I want her to know me warts and all. Many girls judge the men in their lives by their father. If my daughter sees me in a way that I carefully orchestrate then she will have unrealistic expectations on the men in her life. I want her to know confidence is important and self love is a must. If she knows my mistakes, she make of them what she wants and hopefully apply them to her own life in the way she sees fit and be more willing to come to me when she has her life hiccups. She is my redemption. She will make mistakes even when I warn her of the outcome but I want her to know that is okay. Mistakes are growth. I know many people that judge people only by the mistakes they make. I often feel these are the ones that are not honest with themselves and hide the most. When does their other shoe drop? And how do they cope? I am not talking about mistakes like murder but simple bad calls. I live in the present, remember the lessons of the past, and try to prepare my daughter for the future. I will always kiss her skinned knees.
Never give up on yourself my friends because someone needs each and everyone of us.
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